My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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