I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
