omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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