I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
