If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
