My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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