You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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