Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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