Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i can't believe i had my finger in that
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
