you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
