Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
