I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
