I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
