I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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