So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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