her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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