Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
