Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
