just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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