Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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