On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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