My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
