Michael Bay diarrhea
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
