life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
