you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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