when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
