oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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