i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
