I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I have fence marks all over my body
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
