turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
