We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
