im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
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