this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
