she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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