I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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