Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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