She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
