i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
