My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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