No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize