I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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