I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
