Moan for me like Helen Keller
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
