Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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