we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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