During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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