you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
