At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
