Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She's the barista slut.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize