I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
