my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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