this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
