This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
