I think my fart just growled at me.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
