tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
