apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
