I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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