Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
