You smell like a Billy Joel song
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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